Finding Love at the Superhero Café

“I’ll never find love,” Hulk grimaced.

The Superhero Café was hosting its annual Valentine’s party. Heroes and villains alike had gathered to celebrate. To drink. To flaunt their significant others.

Hulk watched from the edge of the group dejectedly, standing at the drink bar, nursing a large Grasshopper.

Spiderman hung from the ceiling, gripping a silky strand of webbing in one hand, cradling the back of Mary Jane’s head–her glossy locks of red hair slipping through his gloved fingertips–as he kissed her deeply.

Viper and Wolverine clawed at one another violently: his adamantium claws tearing at  green leather, her  poisonous fangs piercing his lips, drawing blood.

Thor’s mighty hammer had imbedded itself into the floor where he’d dropped it before taking Jane into his arms and ravaging her.

Even Batman had lifted a portion of his cowl to kiss Talia Al Ghul. The two of them stood on the other side of the room enveloped in shadows. Hulk was almost certain she was wearing a completely see-through gown if anything at all.

“Oh, don’t say that,” Joker sniggered. He sat atop the snack table, one of the punch bowls in his lap. Liberally, he added his own green liquid to the mixture, swirling it around until it turned a glowing purple. Smoke wafted from the bowl along with an acrid stench. “Everybody has somebody. Fate and all that nonsense. Let’s just hope your somebody can take a pounding.” Joker nudged him with his elbow, cackling maniacally. “Eh? Eh?”

Joker spoke evenly–a marvel considering the fact that Harley was chin-deep in his junk and going to town.

“Who let this guy in here?” Hulk wondered to himself.

“Why, look at that thing over there…” Joker motioned vaguely with one powder-white hand. “…That…that… thing.”

Hulk remained silent.

“You know. That…Mr. what’s-his-name…even he’s got a girl. And he’s a freak!”

Hulk rolled his eyes…As if he could talk…

Joker pointed at The Thing gently slow-dancing in the center of the floor to the soft music playing in the background; Alicia Masters rested her head on his rocky, yellow, chest while they swayed with the melody. Both seemed completely oblivious to the orgy their peers were currently engrossed in–that or they didn’t care.

“I’m not saying today or tomorrow, but…” Joker paused. Groaned. Shivered. Then continued without missing a beat… “someday. Somebody as big as you. As mean as you. And green. Definitely green. Will come along. Some sort of…She-Hulk. And she’ll be perfect for you!”

“How’s that, Mr. J?” Harley smiled proudly, red lipstick smeared across her mouth. Joker patted the girl’s face roughly. She beamed even brighter.

“As if,” Hulk thought to himself but aloud he said, “yeah. Someday.”

Photo from The Secret Life of Superhero Toys by Edy Hardjo

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