Finding Love at the Superhero Café

“I’ll never find love,” Hulk grimaced.

The Superhero Café was hosting its annual Valentine’s party. Heroes and villains alike had gathered to celebrate. To drink. To flaunt their significant others.

Hulk watched from the edge of the group dejectedly, standing at the drink bar, nursing a large Grasshopper.

Spiderman hung from the ceiling, gripping a silky strand of webbing in one hand, cradling the back of Mary Jane’s head–her glossy locks of red hair slipping through his gloved fingertips–as he kissed her deeply.

Viper and Wolverine clawed at one another violently: his adamantium claws tearing at  green leather, her  poisonous fangs piercing his lips, drawing blood.

Thor’s mighty hammer had imbedded itself into the floor where he’d dropped it before taking Jane into his arms and ravaging her.

Even Batman had lifted a portion of his cowl to kiss Talia Al Ghul. The two of them stood on the other side of the room enveloped in shadows. Hulk was almost certain she was wearing a completely see-through gown if anything at all.

“Oh, don’t say that,” Joker sniggered. He sat atop the snack table, one of the punch bowls in his lap. Liberally, he added his own green liquid to the mixture, swirling it around until it turned a glowing purple. Smoke wafted from the bowl along with an acrid stench. “Everybody has somebody. Fate and all that nonsense. Let’s just hope your somebody can take a pounding.” Joker nudged him with his elbow, cackling maniacally. “Eh? Eh?”

Joker spoke evenly–a marvel considering the fact that Harley was chin-deep in his junk and going to town.

“Who let this guy in here?” Hulk wondered to himself.

“Why, look at that thing over there…” Joker motioned vaguely with one powder-white hand. “…That…that… thing.”

Hulk remained silent.

“You know. That…Mr. what’s-his-name…even he’s got a girl. And he’s a freak!

Hulk rolled his eyes…As if he could talk…

Joker pointed at The Thing gently slow-dancing in the center of the floor to the soft music playing in the background; Alicia Masters rested her head on his rocky, yellow, chest while they swayed with the melody. Both seemed completely oblivious to the orgy their peers were currently engrossed in–that or they didn’t care.

“I’m not saying today or tomorrow, but…” Joker paused. Groaned. Shivered. Then continued without missing a beat… “someday. Somebody as big as you. As mean as you. And green. Definitely green. Will come along. Some sort of…She-Hulk. And she’ll be perfect for you!”

“How’s that, Mr. J?” Harley smiled proudly, red lipstick smeared across her mouth. Joker patted the girl’s face roughly. She beamed even brighter.

“As if,” Hulk thought to himself but aloud he said, “yeah. Someday.”

Photo from The Secret Life of Superhero Toys by Edy Hardjo

Superhero

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17 Comments Add yours

  1. Kritshaurya says:

    It was so fun to read. Every character you mentioned would totally be doing what you described!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. caillenjames says:

      I’m glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. It was definitely fun to write ^_^

      Liked by 1 person

  2. lazyhaze says:

    Haha…a fun read. You should check out the HISHE super cafe shots, if you haven’t already.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. caillenjames says:

      Thanks for the recommendation. I definitely will.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. caillenjames says:

      My daughter loved that! The Lego Movie one was hilarious. We watched it twice.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. A J says:

    Poor hulk 🙂 Largest third wheel ever. Hope you’ll write a sequel to this in which he finds his one true love!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. caillenjames says:

      I hadn’t considered it but maybe I will; of course, we all know how it goes ;). Thanks for the idea.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. batousan2014 says:

    This is too good. It must have taken a lot of homework to “get” the characters so well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. caillenjames says:

      Not as much as one may think–I read a lot of comic books ^_^
      I’m glad you liked it. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

      Like

      1. batousan2014 says:

        The kind of reading that never, ever seems like work. As for the comments, you’re welcome.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. mahiself says:

    Ohhh my my!!!
    This was another incredible story.
    I really loved it. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. caillenjames says:

      Thank you, Mahi, I’m really glad you enjoyed it.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. This is fantastic, I love how you got so much of the characterisation into the piece.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. caillenjames says:

      Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.

      Like

  7. kirizar says:

    Caillen James for the win!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. caillenjames says:

      Thank you, Kirizar. I’m glad you enjoyed it

      Liked by 1 person

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